Sometimes my folly becomes apparent to me in a flash. It just occurred to me in such a flash that the very thing that I enjoy about my work is the very thing I try to suppress in my routine. Namely, getting lost in details, getting obsessive, letting loose, going big, going crazy. In other words, embracing and absolutely loving the process. I love making images, but I love even more just meandering inefficiently, making tiny but interesting discoveries, and otherwise just being in the moment. But in a world of deadlines and bills, I try to find shortcuts, ways to bypass the meandering part and just deliver work on deadline. And it’s no wonder I hate almost everything I make: I am denying myself the one thing I enjoy most in my work — getting really, really into it.
It’s really exhausting to do this with each job, and that’s why I avoid it. But I need to stop avoiding it all the time. I’m not sure how I will strike this balance, but I know I need to dedicate more time to aimless, inefficient, productively useless process. Because in the end, this is where exciting things will come up.